Assalamualaikum w.b.t
I am having a hard time lately. For the past month or so it feels like every little thing is just awful. I don't know what's happening to me lately. I am feeling so lonely. Abondoned. Urghhh , even though people used to see me laughing , joking but then when I'm alone everything make me sad. I google about the prettiest girl in the world. Keep looking at tumblr. The skinny girl out there. You guys are so so lucky to have skinny bodies. And me are so so unlucky to have chubby curvy body.
I wonder if it is common for those with depression to have so few friends.
I have always found it hard to truly connect with people and have had only a handful of real friends in my life. I have never really "made" bestfriends. But then I have some. Amira , Fakhira , Anwar , Iqbal etc. People have occasionally just taken a liking to me and done all the work to be in my life until I realized they were important to me. I do not know how to begin this process.
I am jealous of everyone, all the time. Mostly because I know that even those who claim to have "only a few friends" still have people they can call just to talk. They have people to come and drag them out of the house even if they are kicking and screaming. No one does that for me. As I'm living far far away from them. And so I drift further and further into myself, just waiting for someone to save me. I know that no one will.
Right now I am living in a very stressful situation, still waiting for something to happen and not having any real time frame for when I can finally be free. And I have no one to just vent to. I have no one I can call to go out and get my mind off things. NOT ONE SOUL.Nothing feels like it will make me feel better, no matter how much I want to feel something other than this.
It isn't just that the things I used to enjoy are not interesting to me. It's that NOTHING is interesting to me. Everything seems excruciating. Not just the things that every depressed person hates to do. Not the way that showering seems like a climb up Everest or cleaning the house is like being water-boarded. I mean simple things. There isn't a show on tv that isn't boring. Nothing on the internet make me happy. As every people told the did this , did that which make me so much in jealousy. Ya Allah, what's happening to me.
I have one idol which is Demi Lovato. She had gone through many process same as much as me. People call her big fat. But then she's stay strong and make new music which is much better than other. She's so so cool and I hope that I can be as strong as her.
Too much for today.
P.S . Today is Majlis Anugerah and I'm so sad for not getting straight A's and be at TGB right now. Pressure always a Pressure.
DEMI LOVATO SKYSCRAPPER
Skies are crying, I am watching
Catching teardrops in my hands
Only silence, as it's ending, like we never had a chance.
Do you have to make me feel like, there's nothing left of me?
You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper, like a skyscraper
As the smoke clears
I awaken and untangle you from me
Would it make you feel better to watch me while I bleed
All my windows, still are broken, but I'm standing on my feet
You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper, like a skyscraper
Go run run run I'm gonna stay right here
Watch you disappear yeah
Go run run run yeah it's a long way down
But I'm closer to the clouds up here
You can take everything I have
You can break everything I am
Like I'm made of glass
Like I'm made of paper
Ohh
Go on and try to tear me down
I will be rising from the ground
Like a skyscraper, like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper, like a skyscraper
Like a skyscraper
